Miscarriage: The Babies We Never Met

 


It was a blessing to spend January thinking about new life and ways to bless mom's of new babies. But as our family knows from personal experience, while we rejoice at the news of new life, sometimes the path to growing a family can be filled with pain and loss. This week, I wanted to share some of our experience with miscarriage and hope to spend this month thinking on helpful resources and ways to encourage a mom amidst these losses.

We were pretty surprised in 2012 when we found out we were pregnant. We'd gotten pregnant so quickly, and I couldn't get out of bed in the morning without eating some saltines to settle my stomach enough to shower and head to work. Steven and I shared with our college friends during a fantasy football draft party, and then shared with our small group a few days before we would be seen for our 11 week appointment. 

We were also shocked when they couldn't hear the heartbeat and found in the ultrasound our baby had stopped developing a few weeks before. While we knew miscarriages happened, I was shocked by the statistics I would read that at least a third of women experience miscarriage. It's a private phenomenon and because it often occurs early in pregnancy, sometimes families are quite alone in grieving and processing. 

This was just the beginning of journey we would experience in loss between infertility and the loss of four more babes we would never meet over the next 7 years. 

Here are some things we learned:

+We were grateful we had friends who knew, who prayed for us, brought us meals, checked in and encouraged us in hard days. But there were also pregnancies that we didn't initially share with anyone as we couldn't emotionally handle sharing the exciting news only to share the painful news weeks later. But I learned it is worth it to share, whether immediately or after private time to grieve and process. Brothers and sisters want to pray for you, walk with you, cry with you. They may at times not know the perfect thing to say, but they want to be with you. And many sisters have walked this loss before you and can give wisdom and love in these hard days.

+Music and listening to God's Word can help encourage the heart in days when your eyes or brain may not feel like it has the strength to function. God uses music as part of worship, our ability to speak back who He is and what He has done. Music can provide comfort, encouragement and a chance to hear truth. I especially loved songs that were Scripture.

+The loss and grief of miscarriage will manifest differently for different people. I try to think back on the most helpful things people did for us or said to us, and I realize that each time I experienced miscarriage was a unique loss. I grieved differently and what helped each time was different. For my first miscarriage, it helped to name our baby. For our fourth miscarriage, it helped to have a private memorial service. Each of my babies was deeply loved but some losses hit in ways that caused more challenging grief. 

+Realize grief comes over time. We had two miscarriages before our children were born. The grief came hard and fast. Then we had three miscarriages after two of our kids were born, and having children sometimes served as a distraction from the grief. Sometimes the distraction was a blessing, but it also meant the grieving process took longer. There will still be times that I can be hit with grief unexpectedly around a special date or as something triggers a memory. Miscarriage is a result of the fall. We long for a day when there will be more death, but until then, it is worth grieving.

+God calls us to remember. The OT is especially filled with calls to remember both suffering and ways God provided for, sustained and loved his people. We don't have to try to forget or just move past the pain of the loss because we look back and see the brokenness and the way God uses even trials for our good and His glory.

One of my prayers following my first miscarriage is that God would use my story to encourage other women, to walk with them, pray for them and show them ways God is faithful.  I am thankful for women who had shared their stories publicly or personally with me. If you or someone you know needs to talk to someone who has experienced miscarriage, I am always willing. With much love, Alex Hand (alexandra.r.hand@gmail.com)

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