Happy Mommy Monday!
Do you have trouble maintaining friendships with people who are not in the same parenthood season?
With our recent trip to Washington D.C. to see my sister and my in-laws for a wedding, I was reminded again of the tricky nature of friendships once one has children. My sister has two children, my brother and sisters-in-law in various states of married and thinking about kids, newlywed, and not married, and since the area we visited also happens to be near our alma mater, we were excited to catch up with several friends from our college days, also in varying stages of life (six kids already?!).
Two of my dearest friends are not married, and one in particular is NOT a baby person (with which I can sympathize, never being particularly baby-obsessed myself, until I had my own). Our friendship was maintained surprisingly well after graduation, despite a 2000+ mile separation and multiple moves and job changes on both our parts, then my marriage and first pregnancy. My sweet friend would Skype me late into the night while my husband was working night shift in Kentucky with the State Police and I was fretting about him. She sent copies of her favorite books to help occupy my time when I was bed-bound and morning-sick, and thoughtful, homemade presents to me, my baby, and even my cats after the initial fuss over new baby had died down. She continued to keep up with me regularly until I was expecting my second son, and I couldn't Skype anymore because the computer screen made me nauseous. We continued to keep up via text, until I got busy moving from Kentucky to New Mexico, and the hiatus we took on our text "convos" never really ended...and I found myself within thirty miles of her in Virginia and I knew that I couldn't even squeeze in a visit, what with juggling cars, relatives, kids, and wedding responsibilities.
After returning home from this trip, I had one of those nights where I woke up with my mind inexplicably focused on something--my friend, in this case--and I did what I usually do in these circumstances. I got up and prayed for the things on my mind. Then I wrote her a long email.
She wrote back, and we've begun to catch up and fill the gaps left from a casual observance of social media which had kept us from a total loss of touch. In the same few days, two other friends (one in the Coast Guard, one a missionary overseas) contacted me out of the clear blue sky, and all of these things led me to think of this issue of how to maintain friendships (even long-distance) throughout differing seasons. I asked my friends their thoughts, and here is the result of our brainstorming:
8 Tips for Maintaining Friendships through Differing Seasons:
1. Don't sweat gaps in communication, and don't take it personally.
When my friends disappear for a while, I tend to overanalyze our recent communications for possible offenses, or worse yet, I scan Facebook or other social medias and find myself being jealous of the people who appear to be still in communication with them. I all-too-easily forget then when I'm the one who fails to respond, 99.999% of the time, it has nothing to do with them, and their importance to me or their place in my heart or thoughts. It has to do with the simple truth that life is busy, and sometimes the people you keep up with are simply the people you see in your necessary comings and goings. As I learn to create healthy boundaries in my life to make sure that my primary roles as wife and mother are protected, social outlets, especially the higher maintenance ones, are the first thing to go. This in no way reflects their value as a person--it's just a simple formula of time+energy.
2. Small steps are better than no steps. (The hibernation principle)
I love getting little messages, notes, or pictures from friends, even if that is all I hear from them for a while. I honestly never think to be offended that I didn't get a full and long epistle catching me up on every detail of their lives--just to know I was in their thoughts enough for them to send me that pineapple candy dish and that they remembered how much I love pineapples means that our friendship is not dead. Different, yes--but not dead. And there is something very joyful in a healthy, if hibernating, friendship.
3. Pray.
Every time that friend crosses your mind, pray for them. It doesn't have to be a big deal--just bring them before the Lord and intercede on their behalf. If you see a status on Facebook mentioning an issue, pray. If you hear a song reminding you of them, pray. If you wake up in the middle of the night thinking of them, pray. And then when you DO talk to them again, ask for specific ways to pray in the future. We can honestly do nothing more important for our friends than keep them before the Lord and intercede on their behalf. I know for sure that my survival has been solely because of God's grace through prayers of saints that I know nothing about, and probably won't until I get to heaven. Anyone can be a prayer warrior--just pray!
4. Do what you can do (Especially for Long-Distance Friendships).
I loathe making phone calls (though I don't mind to answer them!). It's just a weird little personality quirk. I would rather initiate communication in just about any way then over the phone. When my husband and I were dating, he thought I was mad at him more than once because he almost always had to initiate the phone calls. I have mastered visiting, texting, emailing, Snapchatting, Pinterest-messaging, Facebooking, Skyping, letter-writing, and a multitude of other methods of communication to avoid phone calling. And it has made several relationships that would be nearly impossible with children, time zone differences, and crazy schedules more healthy and flourishing to take advantage of these things. Don't get me wrong--a friendship cannot live on Snapchat alone, but during those in-between times when you simply cannot invest any other way, do what you CAN do.
5. There are some people you MUST NOT DROP, even when it is more work.
For me, this is my grandparents. I adore them, and I love talking to them, but the only way to keep in touch is via phone, and my grandma is contentious about "not bothering" us, so that means I need to be the one to initiate. If I don't call for more than a week, to catch up takes a long, lingering phone call--which is very dear, but very difficult with little kids! If I call at least once a week, my grandma is quite content with a 10-15 minute catch up, and we end up being MORE aware of what's going on in each other's lives because those little things you forget over time are more fresh, and they come more naturally. I have learned the best time to talk to my grandma is when I'm driving--I can put her on an earpiece (or speakerphone, then the kids can jabber at her, which she loves!) and my kids have learned to be quiet when mommy is on the phone (mostly). I can usually catch up on my way to the store, and it doesn't hurt anybody if we sit in the car an extra five minutes to finish our talk! My older son now asks to call great-grandma when we're in the car, and he play calls her on his toy phone. Which leads me to my next tip:
6. Involve the kids as much as possible...but be sensitive to when you're moving into the "baby spam" territory.
I do not always succeed in this area, but I try very hard to limit my "baby spam" to Facebook. To friends, especially friends in a different season, I try to not be completely obsessed with my children. Being a mommy is all-encompassing, but who you were before doesn't need to die because you're a mommy. This is one of those areas that simply requires balance--on your part and on that of your friend. Hopefully both sides can give grace. On the other hand, you are how your kids learn to interact with people. Teach them to talk on the phone, to greet people politely--even babies can wave! And I know very few people who don't like to get a "Happy Birthday!" from a cute little toddler voice or a chubby baby holding a sign. And if we can go out to coffee with the kids or if their willing to come to me, all the better. But sometimes maybe it's worth the effort of going sans children.
7. Remember what it was like before kids.
I always felt like I would be interrupting or burdening my friends once they had kids, so I just backed off. After having kids, I realized how much I appreciated friends who came over, brought food, visited, called, messaged...reached out in any way to give me a quick "grown up" break. And I cannot tell you how much it blesses those of us with little children when people are willing to come to me--because frankly, no matter how "child-friendly" a location is, my home is still the most convenient place for my children to be entertained so I can maximize my interaction with another person. This goes both ways--remember your ignorance of this pre-children and give grace to your childless friends, and be thoughtful of those with more children, or first children, or other stages of life that might have different ramifications.
8. Grace Grace Grace.
Everything changes when you have kids, and then everything continues to change at every stage of their growing up, adding siblings, going to school (or homeschooling), high school, graduation, empty nesting...and so on. And it is so easy to take your current status as measure for everyone else's behavior. But when they are in a different season of life, their needs and capabilities are not the same, and that is when we need to give (and receive) grace. Singles, couples, newlyweds, married without kids, first-time parents, parents of multiples, parents of elementary kids, parents of high schoolers, parents of grads, empty nesters, retirees...everyone needs friends, and everyone has a finite number of minutes in a day and a finite amount of energy (VERY finite, for some of us!). Be willing to give grace when others fail us (as they inevitably will) and give your needs to the only One who is truly able to satisfy them. When I was so alone in Kentucky, my long-distance friends really stepped up and helped me through some tough times...and now that we are back "home," I am spoiled by the ease of many friendships. That's what seasons are about--they are not forever, they are fleeting, and God provides exactly what we need (and the grace) for each of them.
What about you? How do you maintain friendships, near and far, throughout differing seasons? Do you have any struggles that seem insurmountable in this area as you transition into a new stage with your kids? Feel free to comment below!
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